The problems in my personal life - during the past year, and especially during the past few months - have become so time-consuming and overwhelming that I no longer have the emotional energy to write much anymore. I've lost my sense of humor and my creative drive.
One of many personal issues that have been consuming me is the fact that I've been caring for my elderly mother for the past four years - ever since my father died. It has largely been a very rewarding experience, but recently things have been much more daunting.
When I think of my parents, there are so many memories and so many floods of emotion - on all levels - that an eternity wouldn't be enough time to cover it all.
My father was an extremely volatile, violent, and complicated man, whose existence nearly destroyed me. I feared him beyond anything else and the repercussions of his abuse reverberate to this day. It sounds pitiful and unfair to say it now - but he was largely responsible for putting me on the road to rapid self-destruction in my early years. "Self-destruction" is putting it mildly. My rage and intense hate for him and myself was overwhelming. In later years he mellowed somewhat and I pitied him and forgave him. I was with him when he died and the emotional effect on me was profound. There were too many unresolved issues. There were too many regrets. I had (and have) intense guilt for having been so selfish, so one-sided, so unforgiving.
My mother was a saint (it seems like a laughable cliche, but it's true). Beautiful, highly intelligent, strong, self-sacrificing. She put up with more than any other woman I know - from my father's violence and from my chaotic existence. The past four years that I have spent near her were the most peaceful and pleasant ones of both of our lives. Because of this, for the first time in my life, I have no regrets.
As always, I'm getting too verbose. I'll try to cut to the chase:
Despite being elderly, with numerous health problems, my mom looked and acted years younger than she really was. She remained incredibly mentally alert. It wasn't until some problems arose in early June that she needed a cane to assist in walking. She never complained and valiantly struggled on with the daily burden of aging.
There were no major problems until about a week ago. First came stomach pains and nausea, but they went away in a day. Then came alarming symptoms. My mom, who had always been completely rational, was having occasional delusions. A stranger was lurking by the back door. Something was crawling up the wall in her bedroom. She was becoming more agitated and more anxious and refused to sleep at night. Her mind fluxuated between the rational and the irrational. One morning she stood on a footstool to get something from her closet shelf and had a fall. She seemed to be all right.
Her birthday was Saturday, November 14th, and she was rational and lucid. On Sunday morning I found her standing by the back door, breathless. She had been out walking and walking, she said. She was exhausted. I knew she hadn't been out of the house. It had all been a dream, I tried to tell myself.
On Monday morning (the 16th) she was confused, couldn't find the bathroom, was wandering in a panic all over the house. I got her to her bedroom. We talked. Suddenly she had a seizure. I called 911.
She was first diagnosed with a severe kidney and bladder infection, which can often cause delusional behavior in elderly people. She became stable and quite coherent, but later fluxuated between rational and irrational behavior.
Not much change on Tuesday, but it was too early to tell. Mom recognized me when I came in the hospital room and seemed quite rational. Later she was confused and largely incoherent. I was hopeful, despite not having much faith in doctor or staff.
Wednesday morning (the 18th). Having been moved to another (more "comfortable") room, mom was sitting up in a chair. She recognized me but was extremely distant and quiet. I was encouraged to hear that she had eaten some breakfast, because she had refused food for two days. I brought a can of Slim-Fast and got her to drink all of it. The doctor finally showed up in early afternoon and was unhelpful as usual. He did say, however, that mom probably had a stroke.
At around 2:30pm mom became very animated and started talking rapidly and with complete incoherence. Soon afterward she had a seizure, not unlike the one she had on Monday morning. She now remains largely unresponsive. They gave her more tests and put her on more anti-seizure medication.
That's the way things are now. There are many unanswered questions and I know little more than I did a few days ago.
Only time will tell.
I am completely mentally and physically exhausted.
This photo is one of my favorites, because it is so typical of how my mother used to look. I want to remember her that way.
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